Hello anyone, I am writing this draft while waiting for my next flight to Surabaya. Usually, Makassar becomes my landing destination to go home but right now it is being my transit spot. Anyway, I just had three weeks holiday in Kendari and it was my first time going to Kendari. <3

Okay, I’ll tell you stories about my journey and this stories will be divided into three parts. Let’s begin.

Part 1. From Banjarbaru to Kendari

Saturday, July 26^th 2025

It was early in the morning and I already went to the airport. Finally, I was leaving Banjarbaru. It had always been my wish to leave Kalimantan island. I really wished to move to somewhere closer to my family since the beginning of the year. I manifested it through putting it down on my 2025 board vision. I was kinda delusional in January though.

I had lived in Kalimantan for three years and I thought that was so long and it was time to leave. Maybe it was the effect of my nomaden childhood that makes me always wanted to move if I already stayed in one place for so long.

And … I am so thankful to receive this opportunity to leave Kalimantan even though the new place that I am going to come has never been in my plan.

In the airport, my plane got delayed as always. But I was accompanied by my friends. They were my first friends in South Kalimantan and we went through a lot of things together. We shared good and bad memories. We shared experiences of first time being employed in a new place that we had never been before. I am so grateful to meet and know them. Thank you so much for the memories and the farewell gifts. I truly appreciate it and I will cherish it!

Around 10 a.m. I flew to Surabaya for transit. Huft. My journey was still so long. Surabaya was always being my transit spot (before direct flight to UPG from BDJ existed) and usually I bought some books in periplus here. But that time I didn’t buy any book because first my bag was so heavy, second I was going to live in Jawa again, third my wishlist book wasn’t there.

I was moving without adding more baggage. I only used the 10 kg free baggage space because I didn’t want to pay more. The ticket is already expensive. I can’t understand why lion air only gives the passenger 10 kg baggage space? Indonesia is a big country (someone said that). But why the only affordable plane ticket to go to the East is only lion air? Who made this regulation? Once again, I am just a WNI.

I waited in Juanda Airport and of course the plane got delayed. At 1 p.m., I flew to Makassar for second transit. I also got delayed. At 6 p.m., finally I could fly to Kendari. Anyway, it was my first time didn’t cry while flying from Makassar.  I am such a crybaby actually. I just want to stay closer to my mom and my grand family. And another sad truth is … it’s been 11 years since the last time I lived with my mom.

In 2016, 2017, 2022, 2023, 2024, and recently in April 2025, I always cry in the airplane while going away from this island. That hollow feeling everytime I had to leave Makassar, was kind of depressing hahahaha.

I know sometimes life could be so weird. Actually, I only visit Makassar and Parepare for holiday but my stay here is always longer than three weeks. During high school, I always had a one-month holiday and I always go home here. So uhm honestly I hadn’t ever lived in Makassar. I didn’t even spend my high school here (I spend my teenage years in Purwokerto #ngapakpride).

I was just manifesting to live in Makassar because words are pray. And I feel so homey when I am in Parepare.

Life is so strange. I was not born in Sulawesi island but why do I feel so home here?

At 7 p.m., I landed for the first time in Haluoleo Airport. My first impression toward Kendari, it was a very smoll town. The airport was like a regency airport. The town was not really crowded. I had never been going to Kendari before but I already called this town as home.

Another fun fact, all of my siblings had already been to Kendari and my grand family (grandparents, mommy, and her siblings) used to live in this province too but not in Kendari. I really want to go the place where my mom spent her teenagehood but yesterday my stay in Kendari was too short. :(

Once again, I found a new home.

*p.s. I continue writing this after I arrived in Malang.

Part 2. Slow Living

July 26^th-August 16^th 2025

While I was staying in Kendari, I spent my time with my mom; cooking, baking, crocheting, gardening, watching movies, reading books, and attending kajian sunnah. There was no schedule and for a moment I could slow down. I didn’t have to hurry for anything and it was really nice. I could take time to fully learn how to crochet and even bake cakes. I played with the cats who came into the house just for foods. I went to the mall with my mom and ate in a restaurant (that later we tried to recook at home).

I was so happy to be at home with mom because all these past 11 years I couldn’t spend much times with my mom. I only spent time with her only during holiday. During my stay, we made a lot of cakes and tried many new recipes. 

Just like the old days. Even though life is agony, life can give us sweet bites. I think that’s just the way the world works.

Besides enjoying my holiday at home, I also explored a new place that I hadn’t been before. It was the Moramo Waterfall. OHHHHH, the waterfall and the forest surround it were awesome. Truly the real rain forest! The waterfall was refreshing and beautiful. It was also quite because I went there in weekday.

I also went to some kind of place to picnic with mommy’s friends. In this some picnic place, I tried archery for the first time and horse-riding (that was failed because I was a scaredy cat).

Then, I met my mom’s friends there. They were so kind, sweet, and fun. Even one of her friend gave my mom a persian kitten two days before my flight to Surabaya.

I wish I could stay in Kendari. I would be very grateful if I could work there.

Part 3. Malang Chapter 2

Saturday, August 16^th 2025

Okay. This was the bittersweet part. As I said before, I never liked the part when the plane took me away from Sulawesi. (TMI, the plane that day was so on time. The ticket said boarding at 7 am and it flew exactly at 7 am. What a rare moment for lion air). I wanted to be near my family. But, how could I waste an opportunity to get education?

And anyway, this is Malang Chapter 2. Why? Long-short story my family had ever lived here before for nine months from September 2013 to July 2014.

Once again, life is weird. My 14 years old self would never expect I am going back here after 11 years. When I left Malang that time, my younger self had a feeling I wouldn’t go back like … I knew it was the last time I could gather with my core family.  

But here I am. Going back. Alone hehehe.

Anyway, several pieces of 2014 were kind of saddening that I lost some of my memories.  :D

This town held some of memories that I already forget. However, as I already stay here for a week, the roads seem familiar and I get déjà vu? Did I ever pass this road before? The smell is so close to home that I kinda forget? (For me, every town has different smell and I’d rather remember places by their smell. An article stated that scent is the only sense that was brought to the emotion and memories sensory function in brain. In another word, scent could evoke memories. Hope this legit.)

Uh, it is normal, right?

Humans tend to forget their happy moments and torment theirselves with bad memories. Humans are weird creatures. My brain juice couldn’t comprehend it any other time.

Actually, going back to the town I’ve been before is not a new thing for me. Since elementary school, I had been through some thing like this. I started SD in Bekasi, moving place to place, then went back to Bekasi again before SD graduation. Then, I used to live in Bintaro during SD and somehow I went to college in Bintaro. I used to go to SMP in Malang and now somehow I went to college (again) in Malang.

Well, maybe that is just human’s life way. Bizarre. To be honest, I don’t know what to reflect. I am 25 years old … somehow I had been living in so many places with different culture and people only in one country (wish I could go outside this country with my family someday). I think … that is just the effect of living in archipelagos country.

As I grow older, I have a wish to settle down in a town which is closer to my family, just like any other people. And I wish there would be someone who would accept me even though I am my life is a little bit weird.

The conclusion is: I am so thanful for these past two months. I could go to Kendari. And … I start studying in Malang again. Thank you for anyone who stumbled upon my blog and read my yapping.

X

Nanda

 ⭐⭐⭐

p.s. Frequently asked questions:

*Jadi kamu orang mana?

◻️ Makassar

◻️ Kendari

◻️  Parepare

◻️ Cilacap 

=>Kalo bisa milih semuanya, kenapa harus pilih satu? ^^ You only live once!

*Emang kamu besar di mana?

◻️ Pulau Jawa

◻️  Pulau Sumatera

◻️ Pulau Timor

=>Di mana aja yang penting senang. Kalian bisa baca selengkapnya di sini ya. ^^

Photography by me

𝟐𝟓 𝐑𝐞𝐟𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐚𝐭 𝟐𝟓

Nobody asked me about 25 things that I’ve learned in my life as I turn quarter century old (please do not ask me) and nobody was not gonna read it.

Well, I still want to write about short list of 25 lessons on turning 25 a.k.a. 25 reflection things. 

So, here goes my list (this list is so personal—the word 'you' here is myself. This list is like a note for  myself :D).

1. Never easily trust people because their words can’t be trusted or they could be lying to you.
2. Never depend on people around you because they will leave you or you will leave them at certain point.
3. Do not put too much hopes on people or just do not expect people to go along your way because they will probably disappoint you.
4. Go outside sometimes, touch some grass, it’s good.
5. Socialize with humans sometimes so you could reconnect to humanity.
6. Read those books and articles, use your brain (sometimes I am still trapped in reading slump).
7. Not everything goes as you want, but keep trying until you reach your goal.
8. It’s okay for being mediocre and struggling at your hobbies. 
9. Sometimes you have no idea what you really want, but that is alright because your life journey is already written on lauhul mahfudz.
10. Go with the flow.
11. Do not waste your time (but I still often do this).
12. Be kind to people because people face their own battle and trauma everyday.
13. You’re just a side character in other people’s life, so just chill man.
14. Being unwanted, unlikeable, and left out are totally okay, keep JOMO (joy of missing out things).
15. Do not be annoying.
16. Be invisible as you can be.
17. Live your life to the fullest sometimes—enjoy these youthful moments that makes you think life is not really that bad.
18. Sadness wave will subside eventually and in the end of the day you will find a new hyperfixation to bury your sadness. 
19. Stay delusional (imagine things that make you happy) if you’re depressed.
20. Think before talk.
21. Do not hurt people with your tongue.
22. Forgive people around you, they might go through something or have a bad day. 
23. Forget people’s mistake.  
24. Remember your mistake so you won’t re do it.
25. Do not panic and be calm even if you want to burn the world. 

Okay, I think that’s my personal 25 reflection things as I turn ¼ century recently. Thank you for anyone who accidentally reads it (I  am talking to the wall). I hope you have a great day. 

And this was taken with my Vivo V25, nothing also could be captured 

Sometimes I wondered, if the stars emerged their gleams from thousand years ago, did that mean the star was living in the 1025 CE (Common Era)? Or … did the star also had the year of 2025 and distances meant nothing toward the time? But, if there was a star that emerged light from 13 billion years ago, did that mean the universe was still formed right now? 

Perhaps every galaxy—every star that hosts planets—had different time system. Time was fluid. Time was relative. And we—tiny humans on earth—tried to keep up with time and always assumed we were running out of time. Actually, what were we chasing in life? Why did we always race with time?

The stars that formed the constellations, they kept shining even though it took years to reach humans' sight on earth. They kept emerging their lights without expecting somebody would realize their existences. Maybe only the brightest and the loudest stars that could be seen and heard from the earth. But, how about the stars that roaming alone on expanding space? As bright as they could be, their brightness were silenced by the vacuum state of space. 

Where were they going? Why the space kept expanding?

Pardon me, I kept throwing questions like a five years old. These questions often came up in my brain and I tended to note down my questions because sometimes the answer could come in unexpected way. But, it was not only about questions.

I was grateful. While I was staying in this great island, I could explore so many places and had a lot of new experiences. While I lived in South Kalimantan, I ever went camping in Pulau Pinus Aranio, Lembah Bajuin, Loksado, Bukit Batu, and the last was Tahura. I never expected that I could enjoy camping in my 20s. Every moments were memorable and I would cherish it. ⋆

Anyway, last night was my first time observing the milky-way galaxy until past midnight. Even though I had seen a pool of stars before, I never realized the milky-way galaxy shape .... It looked like clouds and I just realized that the elongated clouds were actually a spiral arm of the milky-way galaxy. I also saw so many shooting stars. It made me thankful for the atmosphere layer which protected the creatures inside earth from the falling meteoroids.

I spent the night with friends that I met here. They were talking about everything and I was just listening. The night was tranquil because there were no loud music—only the vague singing from the other camping occupants. There were no rain and no cumulonimbus clouds last night. I was so thankful and grateful … for the crystal clear night sky, for the chance to do grounding, for the wind that blew softly, for the time to socialize with people, for the silly jokes that made me laugh, for the shared foods, for the inspiration to paint and write something, for the unforgettable memories that I would carry in my life.

Thank you.

28 June 2025

Chapter 1
Late Night Rendesvouz

This is a slice-of-life story about four teenagers in a small seaside town who aligned at one time and dispersed into remnants of memories. 

 ────────────

September 2017

Malam telah larut. Bintang gemintang menghiasi angkasa. Jalan raya tampak sepi. Hanya sesekali truk antar provinsi melewati jalur dengan roda besar yang menggetarkan aspal. Lampu berwarna kuning temaram menjadi sumber penerangan selain sinar perak rembulan yang menggantung di langit.

Aroma laut yang asin terbawa angin dan menggelayut di udara. Suara ombak terdengar dari lokasi bangunan tua terbengkalai yang menjadi tempat pertemuan rahasia mereka malam itu—bersamaan dengan suara cat pilox yang disemprot ke tembok untuk merangkai grafiti. Bau cat pilox yang menguar di udara bercampur dengan aroma asin lautan.

“Owen, berhenti. Aku mendengar sesuatu.”

“Polisi?” tanya Owen cuek tanpa menghentikan gerakan tangannya yang sibuk mencoret dinding dengan cat pilox. Hanya di malam hari ia bisa melampiaskan hobinya yang terpendam. Di siang hari, ia hanya mampu mencoret kertas dengan spidol posca.

“Bukan.” Ia bisa yakin itu bukan polisi karena  tidak melihat tanda-tanda mobil patroli. “Bentar biar aku cek.” Perempuan dengan rambut biru itu melesat ke balik gedung terbengkalai, mendeteksi arah sumber suara langkah kaki yang mendekat, dan menatap ke kegelapan malam. Ia mendengar suara langkah kaki tapi tidak dengan bayang-bayang. Atau dia salah dengar? Tempat itu terlalu gelap ….

Ia hampir terkena serangan jantung ketika kedua bahunya dipegang oleh seseorang dari belakang.

“Apa yang kamu lakukan di sini?”

Xeva berbalik dan menghela napas ketika melihat sosok di hadapannya. Sosok itu mengenakan hoodie berwarna gelap, topi, dan masker berwarna senada. Mereka teman sekelas.

“Kalian pergi terlalu lama sampai kukira kalian pulang duluan,” gerutu Xeva sambil bersedekap—berusaha menyembunyikan keterkejutannya.

“Pesanannya Owen banyak.” Zahira menunjuk sekantong tote bag minimarket yang berisi pesanan mereka. Tote bag berisi makanan dan minuman itu dibawa oleh pemuda tinggi menjulang di sampingnya. Pemuda itu mengulum permen stik di mulutnya.

“Kalian parkir di mana?” tanya Xeva pada Zahira karena tidak melihat tanda-tanda mobil pick up milik Yegor—nama pemuda yang tinggi menjulang itu.

“Enggak jauh dari sini,” jawab Zahira yang tidak memberikan jawaban. Xeva sudah terbiasa dengan cara berbicara Zahira.

Lantas mereka kembali ke dinding yang menjadi kanvas Owen malam itu. Tulisan grafiti yang terpampang di dinding tampak tajam dan mencolok. Pekerjaannya hampir selesai.

“Boleh coba ngga?” tanya Zahira sambil mengambil salah satu botol cat pilox. Ia sudah mengarahkan cat tersebut pada dinding dengan percaya diri berlebihan.

Owen langsung mengibaskan tangannya. “Jangan di mahakarya gue!”

“Why though? Aku cuma mau mempertegas garis yang di sini.” Ia menunjuk ke salah satu huruf.

Owen hanya mengerang. Ia mengacak rambut buzz cutnya.

Terlanjur. Zahira sudah menyemprot warna itu ke salah satu huruf dan ternyata perbuatannya justru merusak hasil karya Owen karena ia tidak lihai membuat garis lurus.

Owen tampak murka. Tapi tidak banyak ucapan yang keluar dari mulutnya. “You ruin my art.” Ia hanya melangkah penuh ancaman mendekati Zahira, menatap tajam, dan memperbaiki tulisan grafitinya.

“I just add more taste.” Zahira menyeringai sambil berniat mencoret dinding lagi.

“Argh, gue jadi harus mengulang lagi di bagian ini.”

“It looks better with my touch.”

“Lo enggak ngerti seni.”

“Hah?!”

Sementara kedua anak itu bertengkar, Xeva dan Yegor duduk bersila di atas trotoar yang bersih dengan potato chips di antara mereka.

Yegor yang memperhatikan dua bocah yang hampir saling lempar kaleng cat pilox. Tanpa perlu mendengar apa yang didebatkan Owen dan Zahira, ia bisa mengerti masalahnya. Mereka berdua memang selalu seperti kucing dan anjing. Herannya mereka sangat sulit dipisahkan. 

Xeva sudah kebal dengan keributan dua anak itu. Jadi ia hanya membiarkan mereka bertengkar soal siapa yang punya jiwa seni dan tidak.

“Tumben kamu bisa keluar malam,” ucap Xeva pada Yegor menggunakan bisindo. Yegor adalah teman tulinya dan mereka teman masa kecil yang saling menyaksikan satu sama lain tumbuh. Xeva masih teringat tinggi badan mereka yang pernah sejajar sewaktu masih SD sampai tiba-tiba Yegor menyalip tingginya di SMP.

“Keluargaku keluar kota,” jawab Yegor verbal. Meskipun tuli kongenital, ia bisa berbicara dengan jelas layaknya orang dengar pada umumnya berkat terapi wicara yang dilakukannya sejak ia bisa mengingat. Ia sangat mahir membaca gerakan mulut seseorang sehingga orang-orang di sekitarnya seringkali lupa dia tuli.

“Oh ya? Kok kamu enggak diajak?” tanya Xeva lagi.

“Aku disuruh jaga rumah.” Yegor mengangkat bahu—setengah berbohong. 

“Biasanya kan kamu yang jadi sopir.” Xeva sudah sangat kenal dengan keluarga Yegor.

Tiba-tiba arah pandang Xeva tertuju pada sebuah objek yang melaju di jalan raya. Lampu rotator berwarna merah dan biru berpendar di atas kendaraan itu. Mobil patroli itu semakin mendekat. “Ada polisi!” serunya seraya bergegas membereskan makanan mereka ke dalam tote bag tanpa peduli isinya yang bertumpahan.

Yegor menoleh ke belakang dan melihat hal yang sama dengan yang dilihat Xeva. Mereka berdua bergegas membantu Owen memasukan kaleng-kaleng cat pilox ke dalam ransel.

“Belum kelar!” keluh Owen sementara tangannya masih bergerak menyelesaikan sentuhan terakhir di grafitinya. Perhatiannya terfokus pada karya di hadapannya.

“CEPAT!” bentak Zahira memarahi Owen dan merebut paksa cat pilox yang dipegang sepupunya.

“Mereka mendekat!” seru Xeva seraya memasukkan cat pilox terakhir ke dalam tas ransel Owen lantas mereka berlari menjauh dari dinding gedung terbengkalai itu. Keempatnya berlari di atas jalan raya

“Yegor, di mana mobil lo?!” tanya Owen dengan napas tersengal tanpa menoleh ke arah Yegor. Tentu saja Yegor tidak menanggapi. 

“Ikut aku!” seru Zahira berlari paling depan menuju ke sebuah gang karena dia yang pergi mencari makanan bersama Yegor beberapa menit yang lalu.

Keempatnya berlari di bawah cahaya kuning temaram lampu jalanan, sementara mobil patroli mendekati tempat mereka berada tadi. Mereka terus berlari di bawah bayangan pohon sambil sesekali menoleh ke belakang. Strada dua kabin milik Yegor terparkir di depan halaman rumah kosong yang gelap. Mereka terburu-buru masuk ke dalam mobil. Yegor dan Xeva duduk di jok depan, sementara Owen dan Zahira duduk di belakang sesuai tempat duduk mereka yang biasanya.

Xeva menatap keluar dan mendengar mobil patroli itu berhenti di lokasi Owen berbuat vandalisme karena suara sirinenya yang dekat. Para polisi itu turun dari kendaraan mereka. Ia memegang bahu Yegor dan memberi isyarat untuk tidak menstarter mobil. “Jangan sekarang,” bisiknya. 

Yegor mengangguk. Meskipun di bawah cahaya lampu jalan raya yang remang-remang, ia bisa membaca gerakan bibir Xeva. Tapi kemudian dia mendorong kepala Yegor ke bawah untuk menundukkan kepalanya karena Yegor tentu tidak mendengar suara langkah kaki polisi yang mendekat di luar.

“Ouch!” Kepala Yegor terbentur pendingin mobil. Ia mengusap keningnya. Kemudian ia melihat berkas cahaya senter memasuki mobil. Semoga mereka tidak menengok ke dalam, ucapnya dalam hati.

“Maaf,” bisik Xeva sambil mengatupkan tangan karena sama sekali tak berniat membuat kepala Yegor terbentur.

Mereka berempat diam menunduk hingga berkas cahaya senter itu lenyap. Kemudian, mereka baru menegakkan kepala setelah mobil patroli itu meninggalkan lokasi vandalisme karya Owen.

“Baru kali ini ada polisi sampai turun mengecek,” ucap Owen sambil meregangkan tangannya yang pegal setelah sejam penuh mengerjakan grafiti. Ia melepas masker dan topi hitam yang dikenakannya.

“Bukannya kamu pernah kepergok polisi sebelumnya?” Zahira menatap sepupunya yang selalu berbuat nekat. Mereka menjaga rahasia itu dari para orang tua mereka yang bersaudara. Hanya barisan sepupu yang mengetahui fakta soal Owen pelaku vandalisme di bangunan publik dan properti terbengkalai yang ditinggalkan pemiliknya. Ia memang tergabung dalam komunitas rahasia pelaku vandalisme. Kenakalan terparahnya adalah mencoret dinding taman kota.

“Yeah tapi enggak sampai dikejar kayak tadi,” jawab Owen tanpa beban. 

“Kita ke mana sekarang?” tanya Yegor seraya menstarter mobilnya.

“Tempat biasa,” jawab Zahira spontan.

Xeva meneruskan jawaban Zahira pada Yegor dan mobil pun melaju ke tempat biasa mereka menghabiskan waktu bersama—melarikan diri dari tugas, pekerjaan rumah, membicarakan rahasia, dan menonton kapal-kapal ferry bersandar di area lepas pantai. Lokasi "tempat biasa"  berada di pinggir pantai persis dan berhadapan dengan bangunan masjid terapung yang terkenal di kota kecil itu.

Ketika sampai di lokasi tujuan, mereka berempat keluar dari mobil dan menggelar tikar di atas area kargo terbuka yang ada di belakang kabin. Xeva membawa keluar tote bag berisi makanan ringan yang tumpah akibat dikemas terburu-buru saat mobil patroli mendekat. Tak lupa mereka menyalakan lampu emergency untuk sumber penerangan yang dipasang di atas kabin karena area tersebut jauh dari jangkauan lampu jalanan.

Tanpa bicara, mereka berempat setuju kejadian barusan menegangkan. Belum pernah mereka menjadi target pengejaran polisi. Itu pertama kalinya mereka melakukan hal nekat bersama. Apa jadinya kalau polisi memergoki mereka berbuat vandalisme tengah malam? Mereka hanya anak SMA kelas 12 yang beberapa bulan lagi menghadapi Ujian Nasional dan SBMPTN. Seharusnya kelas 12 jadi momen pencerahan karena lengah sedikit bisa jadi berpengaruh pada masa depan mereka.  

Salah satu dari mereka terlihat senewen.

“Sorry,” ucap Owen yang duduk paling pinggir area kargo mobil pick up. Suaranya terdengar penuh penyesalan. “Gue hampir membuat kalian celaka. Tadi itu bahaya. Untung aja polisi enggak sampai menangkap kita. Kalian enggak perlu ikut gue bikin grafiti lagi.”

“Bukan salahmu, kita juga yang mau ikut kamu coret-coret dinding,” balas Xeva yang seperti biasa duduk di sisi Yegor.

“Tadi kamu enggak nulis nama kan?” tanya Zahira dengan raut curiga pada sepupu yang tanggal lahirnya sama dengannya.

“Enggak sempat.”

“Haa? Memang kamu biasa nulis nama?”

“Cuma nulis inisial R.” R adalah inisial nama belakang Owen. Ravenio. “Kalian mau maafin gue kan?” Matanya mengerling pada laut di belakang mereka—pertanda ia sangat canggung mengatakan itu. Meskipun sudah menetap di kota itu selama tiga tahun, Owen masih tidak bisa menghilangkan logat Jakartanya.

“Yaaa, kita maafin selama kamu traktir makan siang kita di sekolah selama seminggu ke depan.” Xeva terkekeh yang disambut dukungan dari Zahira dan Yegor.

“Oh iya, Yegor. Terima kasih—” Owen berterima kasih dalam bisindo—ujung tangan kanan mendekat ke dagu lalu bergerak menjauh dari wajahnya. Kemampuan berbahasa isyaratnya masih terbatas untuk kata-kata sederhana jadi ia melanjutkan dengan berkata, “Kalau enggak ada mobil lo, mungkin kita udah ketangkep polisi.” Di antara mereka berempat, memang hanya Yegor yang bisa mengendarai mobil.

“Bukan masalah. Yang tadi lumayan seru kok,” balas Yegor secara verbal dan bisindo. Tanpa mereka menggunakan bahasa isyarat, Yegor sudah sangat terbiasa membaca gerakan bibir.

“Seruuu kamu bilang?! Aku hampir kesandung batu pas lari! Lagian kenapa parkir mobilnya jauh sih?!” Kedua manik mata Xeva tampak berapi-api di bawah sinar rembulan. Rambut birunya tertiup angin.

“Biar aman dan enggak kelihatan dari jalan raya,” jawab Yegor santai. Tadi ia memang memarkirkan mobil agak jauh dari lokasi bangunan terbengkalai.

“Tadi seru kayak di film-film.” Zahira nyengir lebar. “Kapan coret-coret dinding lagi, Wen?”

Owen balas menyeringai penuh rencana. “Yakin mau ikut lagi?”

“Jangan ngadi-ngadi. Kalian mau kejadian kayak tadi?” Xeva berusaha menyadarkan partner in crime yang lupa diri itu.

“Aku enggak yakin bisa ikut lagi. Ada jam malam di rumah,” jelas Yegor sambil duduk bersila dan bertopang dagu. Ia menatap teman-temannya yang selalu ribut. Meskipun tidak bisa mendengar keributan mereka, Yegor selalu menikmati momen itu dan membaca perdebatan mereka yang tidak bisa didengarnya.

“Cuma malam ini enggak ada jam malam?” tanya Zahira penasaran. Mereka sebenarnya tahu alasan Yegor memiliki jam malam. Yegor tinggal di rumah keluarga besarnya yang terdiri dari nenek, dua tante, mamanya, dan empat adik perempuannya. Dia satu-satunya laki-laki di rumah itu.

“Keluargaku lagi liburan keluar kota,” jelas Yegor singkat.

“I see,” kata Zahira sambil melirik jam tangannya yang sudah menunjukkan pukul 00.15 dini hari.

“Pantes bisa keluar lewat tengah malam,” kata Owen sambil merogoh saku lantas mengeluarkan sebungkus sampoerna dan pemantiknya. Tetapi, Zahira sudah merebut bungkus itu lebih dahulu sebelum Owen sempat mengambil sebatang rokok.

Zahira terlihat sangat berang. “Mama kamu lagi sakit batuk dan kamu malah merokok?!” Ia teringat dua hari yang lalu melihat Tante Laras yang batuk-batuk saat berkunjung ke rumah. Tante Laras adalah adik ayahnya sekaligus mamanya Owen.

“Merokoknya kan di luar!” balas Owen berusaha menggapai kembali sumber nikotinnya dari tangan Zahira yang terangkat tinggi.

“Asapnya bisa nempel di baju.”

“Sekali ini aja. Gue udah enggak merokok seminggu.”

“ENGGAK!” Lantas Zahira melompat turun dari bak pick up dan bergegas ke tong sampah hijau terdekat yang ada di pinggir jalan.

Owen mengejar sepupunya. “Zaah, jangan dibuang! Plastiknya masih belum terbuka!”

Xeva membiarkan kedua anak itu saling berkejaran layaknya anak kecil, lalu menatap ke arah lepas pantai tempat kapal-kapal ferry sedang bersandar. Dari kejauhan juga tampak para nelayan yang sedang menangkap ikan untuk dijual di pelelangan keesokan paginya.

Bayang rembulan terpantul di atas permukaan laut yang hitam. Dagu gadis itu menempel pada pinggir bak kargo. Ia menikmati alunan lembut ombak yang menghempas pembatas beton yang membatasi jalan dan laut.

Sementara itu Yegor menyenderkan punggungnya pada pinggiran bak mobil pick upnya. Ia menatap langit tanpa awan yang bertabur bintang. Ia mengenali banyak rasi bintang dan favoritnya adalah rasi bintoeng pajekko dalam bahasa Bugis. Nama lainnya adalah rasi bintang orion. Rasi yang menandakan arah Barat.

Papa yang mengajarkannya cara membaca rasi bintang dan memaknai setiap gugus bintang di cakrawala. Ia merindukan Papa yang sudah bertahun-tahun berlayar di antah berantah. Does my existence ever pass in your mind, Dad?

Dalam hening, Xeva menoleh pada Yegor. Ia memandang rambut pirang Yegor dan irisnya yang berwarna hijau. Laki-laki itu sudah dikenalnya sejak ia mulai menginjak sekolah dasar. Mereka berbagi masa lalu dan sudah saling mengenal terlalu dalam.

“Malam ini apakah akan jadi abadi?” bisiknya.

Yegor yang merasa ditatap dan dibicarakan sesuatu mengerling ke sampingnya. “Apa?” tanya Yegor dengan suaranya yang dalam. Kenihilan satu indra bukan berarti ia kesulitan menyadari keberadaan sekelilingnya, justru keempat indranya yang lain menjadi sangat tajam terutama penglihatannya.

Xeva menggelengkan kepalanya.

“Kamu habis bilang sesuatu?” tanya Yegor mendekatkan kepalanya pada wajah Xeva yang membuat Xeva spontan mundur hingga ia bisa menghirup aroma mint dan karamel dari bibir Yegor. Mata hijau yang teduh itu mengerjap penasaran. Helai-helai rambut pirangnya jatuh di keningnya. Yegor tampak berpendar seperti bulan perak yang bersinar malam itu.

Pipi Xeva tampak bersemu. Kedua netranya mencari objek lain yang bisa mengalihkan perhatiannya. Permen yupi. Biskuit genji. Chitato. Astor. Ia mengabsen makanan ringan yang dibeli. “Aku diam dari tadi!” serunya.

Yegor menyeringai. “Aku memang tuli tapi bukan berarti aku tidak bisa melihat kamu bilang sesuatu.”

Pada akhirnya Xeva menghela napas. Dia kalah. “Kamu bakal cringe kalau dengar aku kepikiran buat puisi dari kejadian malam ini.”

Yegor menggelengkan kepalanya. Ia tidak pernah menganggap ide apapun dari Xeva sebagai sesuatu yang ganjil. “Aku akan dengar.”

“Sebentar, aku masih memikirkannya.” Xeva mengetukan jari telunjuk pada dagunya. Mata hitamnya yang selalu berbinar melihat ke taburan bintang di atasnya. Taburan bintang itu terefleksi di matanya. Terkadang ia suka menulis puisi meskipun tidak mahir. Seperti biasa ia membawa buku catatan kecil dan pulpen mini di saku.

Jari tangannya yang mungil sibuk menuliskan bisikan suara di benaknya yang menyeruak tumpah.

Sambil menahan tawa karena merasa idenya menggelikan, ia menatap Yegor yang mengamatinya sedari tadi. “Janji jangan menganggapku aneh!”

“Yaaa, aku bakal memasang wajah tanpa ekspresi.” Yegor ikut menahan senyum.

Xeva menghela napas kemudian kalimatnya mengalir di udara sementara Yegor membaca setiap gerak bibir Xeva agar ia mengerti.

“Hamparan cakrawala semakin redup.
Rembulan dan bintang saling berselaras.
Samudra mereguk binar perak.
Senyap mengalun lirih.
Malam ini apakah akan jadi abadi?"

────────────

Tentu. Aku akan mengingat malam ini, tapi apakah kamu akan mengenangnya juga?

────────────

To be continued

About their profiles

Full name: Xevara Ellena Stefany
Nickname: Xeva
D. O. B.: 3 April 2001
Birth Place: Makassar
Blood Type: B+
Pronoun: she/her
Height: 172 cm

Full name: Yegor Dionysius Tjakra
Nickname: Yegor
D. O. B.: 29 Juli 2000
Birth Place: Novosibirsk (he is half Indo/half Russian)
Blood Type: AB-
Pronoun: he/him
Height: 189 cm

Full name: Zahira S. L. Ghassan
Nickname: Zahira
D. O. B.: 13 November 2000
Birth Place: Jayapura
Blood Type: O+
Pronoun: she/her
Height: 163 cm

Full name: Owen Ravenio
Nickname: Owen
D. O. B.: 13 November 2000
Birth Place: Balikpapan
Blood Type: B+
Pronoun: he/him
Height: 180 cm

Broken Promise

 ────────────

2008

The wheather was humid that day. The sky was crystal blue clear without any clouds roaming around the atmosphere. The sun was scorching hot above my head. I looked at my silent fishing rod. It had been an hour since no fish devoured the bait. I waited for a fish to come while watching the little guy beside me.

I never realized how much he grew in a year. The last time I met him, he was tiny and short. Even though we lived under the same roof, we almost never spent time together so I never had a chance to scrutiny my younger brother. My schedule was always earlier than him. 

Moment like this was the only time we could be together. Right now, he was sitting on the bench while reading a book. He wore a yellow shirt, trunks, and white keds. His light brunette hair was father’s resemblance, while his honey eyes were mother’s heritage.

We were sailing on my yacht that day. Only both of us. It was such a rare moment.

Honestly, I forgot the moment I could get closer to my little brother. Was it when I was in junior high school? We used to sit side by side on formal event when family was invited. We were both like display dolls. We smiled to father’s guests. But, recently we only met occasionally during dinner at home.

His existence seemed vague and distant because I was always in hustle between school, library, company, and the underground where father did his additional work. Extra duty that made me retch because of how ruthless the world was.

I relieved this boy would never know that.

The wind crooned softly and blew my little brother’s hair. His cheeks were reddened because of the sunny weather. He forgot to bring his cap, so I took off my blue cap and put it on his head. Then, he dropped his book and looked at me.

“When will you catch a fish? Just say you suck at fishing.”

Sometimes his angelic face was not in harmony with whatever came out from his mouth. Sure thing he was only 8 years old, but he was getting more presumptuous than I thought. I heard a lot about his impudent personality from the maids at home.

“Fishing needs patience. It is relaxing and refreshing our complicated minds." I explained. We needed to bond during this summer break before I went to the ivy league and pursue the double degrees. My life would be more hectic once I step on college.  

He stood up and walked to the yacht railing. “There is no fish here. Look at the fishpond over there. They must gather there. “   

I squinted my eyes while fixing my eyeglasses. Shit. My minus increased. I couldn’t see the faraway fishpond wherever he pointed. “It was quite far.”

My little brother sighed. “We should go somewhere with a car instead. Dad just bought you a new car, right?” Probably he was bored sailing on yacht, but he sounded a little bit sulky and jealous. I didn’t understand why an 8 years old boy wanted to get a car. Without doubt, he would get a car once he got older. 

“So, you don’t like to accompany me fishing?” I stood up beside him on the railing. He was also getting much taller than last year.

He shrugged. “I like it.”

“But?”

“No but. I like being with you.” He said without hesitate and that really touched my heart. Despite our rare spending time together, he still liked being with me. “Then, teach me how to drive,” remarked him. He looked so determined that I was stunned for a while.

What?

What was this 8 years old boy saying out of blue? “We have chaffeurs. You just ask the destination and they will take you. Why would you want to drive a car by yourself? It is tiring."

“Just teach me. Nobody in the house will teach me—not even dad.”

He was right. I was pondering in my thoughts. Dad was the one who taught me drive and it was not really good memories. Perhaps because I was slow while learning how to drive. It was one of my weakness. I didn’t like driving a car even until now. Why would I drive if I had chaffeur to take me anywhere? I better sat calmly in the passenger seat.

Then I considered the worst scenario … What if something happened and he was forced to go somewhere by himself? We couldn’t always trust anyone around us. Someone could betray us without signs. He must be an independent person.

“Okay.” I said.

“Are you sure?!” He was delighted. His honey eyes was glistening in excitement. Then, he asked, “Any terms and condition?” 

Oh God. Why would he think a ToC? “As long as you would drive safe.”

All of sudden, my fishing rod swayed. The bobber went down. I held my fishing rod immediately and reeled the rod carefully, so the fish wouldn’t runaway. I was expecting a big strike but the fish I caught was just a medium sized fish. It was a tilapia fish. I removed the hook from the fish and put it on the bucket. Not bad. The chef at house would cook it for additional lunch menu.

“Let’s go back home. You already get the fish now teach me to drive!” uttered him. This little gremlin was so demanding.

“What? It’s almost mid day.” I looked at the watch on my wrist. It was already 11.30 a.m.

“You promised.”

Other than his impudent personality, I heard a lot about his tantrum habit. He often threw tantrum when he didn’t get what he wanted just like a rich spoiled kid.

Facing a tantrum child was not in my bingo list today. “Sure.”

 ────────────

I was the one who taught him to drive a car. I drove my brand new Audi R8 to teach him. It was my new car—gift from father after working hard to get into the Harvard with the highest SAT score and exceptional organization achievement at high school.

We went to an empty football field in the village that was close to our lake house. The lake house was indeed located in a hidden small town, far from the capital of West Java. The location was going down to the South. It was far from any big city. Perfect for hiding family secret, also perfect for my family who preferred to stay away from public. 

“How tall are you right now?” I asked him to make sure his feet could reach the three pedals.

“144 centimetres.”

“Alright. Here you go. Let’s change our seat.” We went out so we could change our seat.

I watched him adjusting the seat and wearing the seatbelt. He listened to my explanation once and  understood quickly. He absorbed everything I said effortlessly. He drove my car around the empty field. I was so relieved that nobody was watching us. No suspicious people were seen around this football field. Father always demanded me to protect my brother and I was totally aware of my responsibility. To protect him with my blood and my soul.

He was getting bored after several driving lap. He said that driving was too easy. For your information, he drove a sport car for his first lesson. It was harder than driving a city car.

He already knew how to hit the gas, the clutch, and the brakes. He also understood how to shift the gear. He wasn’t even groggy while shifting the gear. He drove very smoothly. I couldn’t believe he learned that quick. Was he already learning to drive somewhere? My own driving lesson took weeks until I could shift the gear smoothly.

It was already 2 p.m. and past the lunch time. Mother might look for us.

“Enough for today.” I took off my safety belt to change the seat again with him.

“Can I drive home?”

“Not yet.”  

“Please?”

I stopped in the middle of loosing my seatbelt and looked at him increduluously. Why did he plead for doing things I never like? We didn't have to drive by ourselves. It would be extremely risky for him. He was just a little boy. I could be under arrest for letting a literal child driving on the road. “Not today.”

“I’ll drive slowly and carefully. I promise. I want to know how to drive on the road. The feeling must be different. Please?” He demanded again. I could hear his coercing voice. Like I said before—facing a tantrum child was not on my bingo list today.

“No.”

“The road was not too crowded. I can do it. I can drive safely.”

“No, Leo.” Without I realize, my tone was rising an octave.

He glared at me. I glared back. Then, he took off the seatbelt harshly. He opened the door and slammed the door. His slam was quite strong for a little body. He slammed again when getting into the passenger seat. My brand new car … My heart screamed inside when the door was slammed really hard.

He sat calmly on the passenger seat. A dangerous calm. If I said something I was pretty sure he would scream out loud. However, I had to give him an understanding. “You’re too young to drive on the road. It's for your safety. The driving lesson is over today.”

The little gramlin kicked and stomped my dashboard with his keds. “Whatever. You won’t have time to teach me driving again! YOU’LL BE BUSY LIKE DAD!!! YOU WON’T EVEN HAVE TIME TO BE WITH ME AGAIN!!!” He screamed out loud. He was venting and throwing tantrum.

Shit. I couldn’t believe trivial thing like this became a big deal for him. Our quality time turned into disaster. “I still have 7 off days here, I’ll teach you tomorrow alright?”

“Bullshit.”

“Language.” Damn, where did all the ethics and manners lesson go?

“I promise to teach you tomorrow. Deal?” I said softly while driving.

He was silent. He didn’t even look at me. His feet were still on the dashboard. 

“I promise.” I said gently. 

Finally he nodded. His tip of nose and puffy cheeks looked a little bit red.

But, that promise was broken. I  couldn’t fulfill my promise because he was gone the next day. He disappeared without any trace. He was abducted. Someone or some people kidnapped him. This little gremlin was no where to be found. His little body couldn’t be found anywhere at home or at the vast area around the lake house. 

The guilty was stinging. Did I not realize suspicious thing the day before he was missing? Was there someone watching us? It was my fault. I shouldn't have taught him to drive. 

I cried when he disappeared. My tears kept flowing while looking for him around the lake house. I ran around the lake house while screaming his name and that time I really hoped to hear him screaming back. I wanted to see him throwing tantrum—I didn’t care if he wanted to wreck my car's door again.

I wanted to see him whole and intact. I missed his smile, his soft brunette hair, his honey eyes, his mischievous smile. I regreted why I never patted his head or hug his warm tiny body. I wanted my brother to be back. At evening, I roamed around the lake house until the pine forest area. He was lost, no where to be found.

On the next day, I was told to stop searching for him. Father forced me to let the searching team do their duty. I was stuck at the library at home for studying while my hands clutched. Why would father keep me to focus on preparing for college and for becoming the heir of the conglomerate? Why I couldn’t go outside with the searching team to find my brother? Fuck the college. Fuck the conglomerate company. FUCK EVERYTHING. It was not significant anymore. 

That day was my first and last time teaching him how to drive before he learned it by himself at 12 years old. His body was found four days later after he disappeared and was hospitalized for the next three days. My off days were wasted without being able to spend time with him again. I couldn’t fulfill his paltry plead.

The broken promise was imprinted to my memory, the same as the guilt that haunted me year by year. It stucked with me for the rest of my life and apologize would never be enough. 

 ────────────

FINN