Berulang kali, sejak saat itu, aku bilang, aku enggak apa-apa. Lagi pula ini hidup. Semua orang terluka. Semua orang juga menyimpan duka atau luka yang mendalam.

 

Kalimat yang paling sering kudengar dalam hidupku adalah “jaga perasaan ayah dan ibumu.” Lantas? Apakah aku ini enggak punya perasaan. Namun ku tahu, perasaanku bukan hal yang penting.

 

Maaf. Padahal sudah terjadi lebih dari satu dekade yang lalu. Bukankah seharusnya perasaan itu telah hilang. Maaf, ternyata seringkali aku ingin jujur. Maaf, aku melontarkan kata-kata yang seharusnya sudah aku kubur. Maaf, ribuan maaf.

 

Apakah salah jika aku ingin didengar. Apakah salah jika aku punya keinginan. Berulang kali aku mengatakan pada diriku sendiri bahwa aku sudah enggak punya keinginan apa-apa lagi.

 

Tapi kenapa?

 

Kenapa aku ingin merasa penuh lagi? Kenapa aku ingin menggapai sesuatu yang mustahil?  Kenapa aku ingin keberadaanku dianggap ada? Kenapa aku masih memiliki keinginan untuk didengarkan? Bukankah tidak apa-apa… tidak apa-apa menjadi tanpa makna. Iya bukan?

 

Dancing With Your Ghost

He fell first and he fell harder, but what if she knew about this way too late?

── ⋆⋅𖤓⋅⋆ ──

 

Matamu yang terpejam saat kamu kewalahan dengan dunia yang bising. Angin laut yang bertiup menyentuh rambut pirangmu yang selalu masai. Laut biru yang memantulkan semburat jingga dari matahari terbenam. Tanggul pantai yang menyaksikan untaian rahasia dan mimpi yang semu.

 

Tawa renyah yang terlontar waktu kami masih sangat belia. Tangan yang saling bertaut tanpa sengaja saat aku hampir terjatuh ke air laut hanya karena kehilangan keseimbangan saat berjalan sambil berputar di atas tanggul pantai. Mungkin situasinya akan lain kalau kami berjalan menysuri jalan setapak yang dikelilngi pepohonan rimbun dan tumbuhan bunga liar. Waktu itu, aku tidak menyadarinya karena aku tenggelam dalam awan dan kabut tak terlihat yang menghalauku dari bahagia seutuhnya.

 

Jarak yang jauh membuat awan dan kabut tak terlihat itu semakin pekat. Aku terjebak. Keberadaan pemuda itu yang memberiku rasa aman tak tergapai lagi oleh tanganku. 

Maka, aku berlarut dalam kehampaan. Menjalani hidup tanpa binar. Tersenyum dan tertawa bukan dari lubuk hati. Berharap semua ini cepat selesai. 

 

Namun, aku tahu. Hidup tak benar-benar usai sampai napas berhenti berembus. 

Lalu, setelah bertahun-tahun tak kembali, aku muncul dengan hati yang kebas.

 

Dari luar, aku mungkin tampak sama. Rambut yang masih diwarnai biru, buku sketsa kecil yang kubawa kemana-mana, tangan yang menuangkan imajinasi, wajah ekspresif yang sama. Dari dalam, aku seperti bunga yang layu dan kering.

 

Mereka juga masih sama seperti yang kuingat. Hanya beberapa fitur wjaah mereka yang semakin terdefinisi. Topik obrolan yang makin luas. Tapi mereka masih sama bahkan aku memutuskan untuk pergi ke sebuah pantai di Kabupaten Bulukumba tanpa rencana dengan teman-teman masa mudaku—Yegor, Zahira, dan Owen.

 

Keberadaan mereka bukan berarti langsung mengisi penuh tangki cintaku yang sudah bocor.

 

Lalu aku melihat Yegor. Sesuatu telah berubah dari dirinya. Dalam diam, aku mengamati gerak-geriknya yang semakin sensitif dengan keadaan sekitar. Ia semakin lihai membaca keadaan sekitar. Orang yang melihatnya tak akan sadar kalau dia memiliki disabilitas. Tubuh tingginya masih mencolok. Rambutnya masih sama berantakan. Bahunya makin lebar. Dia tampak lebih kokoh.

 

Saat kami sampai di tempat tujuan dan barang-barang sudah beres, rasanya seperti tidak ada yang berubah. Kami bagaikan menjadi anak usia 17 tahun yang tanpa beban lagi.

 

“Aku merindukanmu.” Waktu itu, kami sedang duduk di depan tumpukan kayu. Langit yang berwarna biru terang berubah menjadi semburat warna jingga dan nila. Sementara yang lainnya sibuk bermain voli pantai, kami menyalakan api unggun.

 

“Sama.” Aku berkata dengan jujur.

“Gimana kehidupan di Bandung? Maaf enggak bisa datang ke wisudamu.”

 

“Enggak apa-apa.”

 

“Udah diterima kerja?”

 

“Udah, tapi baru mulai kerja bulan depan. Kamu?”

 

“Aku juga, di Makassar. Udah mulai kerja dari bulan lalu.”

 

Selama kami bercakap, matanya terpaku kepadaku. Tanpa berkedip. Aku sampai lupa kebiasaannya yang satu ini. Mungkin ini yang dirasakan orang lain saat Yegor membaca ucapan mereka? Membuatku sedikit kikuk karena dia begitu fokus. Padahal dia teman masa kecil dan masa remajaku.

“Oh ya, di sana aku juga jadi pengajar bahasa isyarat.” Aku berusaha mencari topik pembicaraan. Tapi, aku baru teringat akan pekerjaan sampinganku karena hanya kukerjakan di hari Rabu dan Sabtu.  

 

“Pasti gampang karena kamu biasa ngomong dengan aku.”

 

“Enggak juga. Aku tetap harus belajar dulu sebelum mengajar. Soalnya ngomong sama kamu kayak ngomong sama orang dengar.” Kali ini aku berkata dengan bahasa verbal dan bahasa isyarat.

 

Yegor terkekeh.

 

“Sekarang aku juga udah bisa nyetir mobil.” Aku mengangkat dagu dengan bangga.

 

“Kenapa baru bilang? Harusnya tadi kamu yang bawa mobil.”

 

“Bawa mobil segede Land Cruiser mana aku berani!”

 

Kayu bakar mulai terdengar berderak dan berdesis setelah Yegor menuangkan minyak tanah dan menyalakan api. Suasana sore itu membuatku nyaman. Sudah lama aku tidak merasa nyaman. 

Tawa riang dari mereka yang masih bermain bola terdengar riuh. 

Ombak yang tanpa henti menghantam garis pantai terdengar menenangkan. 

Tapi, baginya dunia sunyi senyap.

 

“Aku mencintaimu.”

 

Suara beratnya yang mengungkapkan kalimat itu dengan sangat lembut membuatku terhenyak. Spontan, aku menoleh kepadanya dengan tatapan tak percaya. Waktu itu, bukan kalimat itu yang kuinginkan. Bagaimana mungkin dia mengucapkan kalimat itu tanpa aba-aba sama sekali? “Sebagai teman? Aku juga.”

 

Lalu dia beringsut mendekatiku. Kami duduk di atas batang kayu dengan jarak sepuluh senti. Radiasi hangat terpancar dari tubuhnya. Aku bisa menghirup aroma parfumnya. Sorot matanya yang teduh menatapku. Aku bisa melihat frecklesnya. Tangannya menggapai tanganku lalu  menyelipkan sesuatu. Aku merasakan bentuk benda kecil itu. Sebuah cincin.

 

“Bukan itu maksudku, Xeva. Aku mencintaimu. Aku ingin menjalani apapun yang ditawarkan kehidupan—bersamamu.”

 

Saat itu, kami sedang berada di sebuah pantai yang jauh dari kota kecil kami. Kami pergi berkemah dengan adik-adiknya yang semakin besar, juga Zahira dan Owen yang sedang cuti. Aku masih ingat bagaimana suara tawa mereka langsung mengabur setelah pengakuan cinta dari Yegor. Tapi, tetap tak ada yang memperhatikan kami yang duduk di depan api unggun.

 

Waktu itu, kami masih berusia 22 tahun. Baru saja lulus kuliah. Baru saja memperoleh pekerjaan pertama kami. Baru saja mencicipi dunia dewasa yang tanpa ampun. Tapi entah kenapa perasaanku waktu itu masih sama layaknya anak remaja berusia 16 tahun.

 

“Maaf Yegor. Bukan ini. Aku enggak bisa.” Perlahan aku menggelengkan kepalaku dan menyelipkan kembali cincin yang berat itu di tangannya yang selalu hangat. Aku bahkan tak sanggup menatap mata hijaunya yang tampak terluka.

 

“Kenapa?” Pertanyaan lirih terlontar dari bibirnya.

 

“Kamu teman terbaikku, Yegor. Kamu tahu aku. Kamu pantas menerima yang lebih baik dari aku.”

 

“Aku mengenalmu sejak aku bahkan enggak bisa bicara.”

 

“Maaf Yegor. Maaf. Aku—aku belum bisa.”

 

“Aku akan menunggu sampai kamu siap untuk lebih lanjut lagi.”

 

“Bukan itu. Yegor, kamu mungkin enggak tahu apa yang sudah terjadi selama aku tinggal jauh darimu.” Bodoh. Waktu itu kenapa aku berkata demikian? Masa kuliahku memang kacau. Berulang kali aku kehilangan motivasi melanjutkan kuliahku. Aku terjerat di hubungan yang menguras diriku hanya karena kebodohanku. Takut ditinggalkan. Takut tidak dicintai. Aku hidup dalam rasa takut dan trauma. Meskipun aku tahu dia mampu memberikan rasa aman dan melindungiku. aku tak siap menerimanya tanpa persiapan seperti ini.

 

“Ceritakan kalau begitu. Aku akan dengar.”

 

“Aku hidup dalam rasa bersalah, takut, penyesalan. Aku ini sangat kacau, Yegor. Aku mohon. Aku ingin kamu jadi temanku.”

 

“Teman hidup?” Matanya tampak mengiba. Oh, Yegor. Aku tak akan mampu menghapus ingatan tentang sorot matamu waktu itu. Begitu memohon dan mengiba.

 

Aku menggeleng. “Teman terbaikku yang selalu ada untukku.”

 

“Artinya apa lagi kalau bukan menikah, Xeva?”

 

“Maaf Yegor. Maaf—aku enggak bisa.” Aku bukan takut menikah—tapi aku paham konsekuensi menikah. Risiko perceraian, kemungkinan ditinggalkan, dan bagaimana kalau cintanya surut? 

Dia menggenggam tanganku. Jika aku tak mengenalnya, aku akan mengira dia demam.

 

“Aku tak akan meninggalkanmu. Kamu tetap bisa menjadi dirimu sendiri. Berpuisi, berkarya, menjadi seniman tersohor di dunia. Aku akan mendukungmu, mencintaimu tanpa alasan, menerimamu, memujamu,  melindungimu. Kumohon. Kumohon, Xeva.”

 

Lagi-lagi aku menggeleng. Mataku mulai terasa berair. Entah kenapa aku ingin berlari menjauh darinya. Maafkan aku, Yegor. Waktunya belum tepat.

 

Tapi, satu hal yang aku masih muda itu belum tahu—waktu yang tepat itu tak pernah datang.

 

── ⋆⋅𖤓⋅⋆ ──

 

Maka aku berdiri di sini dengan bayangmu. Tanggul pantai yang sama, tetapi perasaan yang berubah bagai laut yang pasang-surut. Aku mencoba berdamai, Yegor. Menari dengan bayanganmu. Melangkah berputar di atas tunggul pantai tanpa ada tangan yang akan menggapaiku saat kehilangan keseimbangan. Menyadari bahwa semuanya terlambat.

 

END

 

 

He always adored her since forever—her bright blue hair; her sparkling brown eyes; her bright personality; her beautiful soul; her explosive energy when she talked. No, words were not enough. He would write a thousand pages of his admiration even though he was not a writer. He would die for her. He would kill if she asked him to.

“Yegor, you’re not listening.” She uttered both in sign and verbal languages while tried to gain the other’s attention back to her.

“I am listening,” he said while smiling softly. His freckles and his green eyes were piercing. Currently, he was wearing blue jeans, navy t-shirt with lettering ‘Teras Laut Café and Eatery’, a black apron, and a pair of green crocs.

They were sitting in front of the restaurant while Yegor—the boy’s name—was on break. Yegor was working in the restaurant as the cashier and sometimes the one hwo washes the dish. He was just graduated from high school a month ago, so he had spare times to help the family business before college started. The restaurant was owned by his auntie. The time showed 3 p.m. and the restaurant was quite. The peak busy time had been passed.

“So, what did I say?” The girl in front of him was asking with serious face. She folded her arms while her eyes pierced into Yegor’s eyes.

Yegor was speechless. He blinked his eyes. Even though he was staring at his crush the whole time, he was lost in thought. He bit his lips—his habit when he had no idea what to say. It was such a rare moment for him to get distracted.

“I got accepted in FSRD ITB,” she stated slowly in dramatic way. She already told Yegor about this just some minutes ago but somehow he was distracted.

Did he listen to the whole lores she told about her happiness, worry, and fear about going outside the island where she grew up?

“That’s great! Congratulations!” This was also the reason why he adored her. She always one step ahead from him. He was beaming genuinely, yet something churned in his stomach.

“You’re truly happy I am gonna leave for college?”

“I am gonna miss you, but it’s your dream college, right?” Yegor answered in verbal. He could speak clearly like hearing people—thanks to the speech theraphy since he could remember. I am gonna miss you. I love you. But do I dare to ruin the situation if I confess right now? The voice in his head whispered.

“How about you?”

“What?”

“How—about—you?” She pointed her index finger toward him.

Yegor understood her saying clearly even without the sign language. But, what he didn’t understand right now was his internal conflict. He desired to step far from home—just like her. At the same time, he was meant to be responsible of his family because he was the only man in the house right now. The responsibility was befallen to him since his father was sailing away.

“I will take the entrance exam and maybe I will go to college in Makassar. Not too far from here.” He shrugged his shoulders.

“Will you be okay without me?” She half-jokingly teased him. They were friends since kindergarten, exactly since the other couldn’t speak.

“You really underestimate me, huh?” Yegor scoffed.

“You can’t even order your drink correctly and instead accept the wrong order even when you hate the drink.” The incident happened last night when they hung out with Owen and Zahira in the night market. Yegor’s order was wrong but he didn’t complain, so she took over and complained to the seller because she knew very well Yegor didn’t like bitter ice latte.

Another thing that made him fall harder—her honesty. “I know how it feels to be a busy seller. I just don’t want to bother them.”

She sighed deeply. The restaurant was quite. The speaker from the restaurant played an indie music playlist. The sea breeze blew the wind chime that was hung in front of the restaurant gently. The salt could be tasted in the air because how close the restaurant to the sea. The waves and the rustling sound of the trees were heard from where they sat. The atmosphere of the restaurant was so calming and peaceful.

However, it was all silence from Yegor’s perspective. He was only able to sense the bright sun which sometimes burn his pale skin—cursed his mixed blood that made his skin was prone to get sunburn, the bright blue sky without clouds, the crystal blue sea, the land across the sea, the vibrant orange colour of the restaurant’s wall, the green from the trees, the motorcycle parked in front of the restaurant, and her, her, her.

He longed to hold her hand like they were still in elementary school whenever he needed guide in crowd place. He wanted to caress her soft blue hair. He wanted her to lean on him.

Then, she said, “Sometimes, you must be honest about your feelings, Yegor. You need to open up with your family—about what you really want for your future.” She spoke in careful way because she didn’t want to hurt his feeling.

“I know what I want. I want to be close with my family so if they need me, I can easily come to them.”

“You’re being too altruistic.” She pointed out his trait too well.

“I just do what I am supposed to do.” He was dead serious. He took his responsibility too well for an eighteen years old boy. As someone who lived in big family house with her grandma, her divorced auntie, her mom, and her four younger sister, he tended to be more aware of his role in the house—the replacement of an adult man. So, he was so used being the one who drive for anyone, pick up his little twin sisters, fix the leaked roof, repair the broken faucet, or bring groceries from the market. He rarely could relax so sometimes his friends lured him to break the rules occasionally and he could be just a common teenager—breaking the curfew, sneaking out the window, and spending time with friends.

She sneered. “Beside that? What heaves your mind right now?”

Yegor cracked a laugh. “Hahaha what do you mean? There’s nothing disturbing my mind right now. I can manage my future. No worries. I also study for SBMPTN, okay?”

“No no no. You got distracted when I talked recently. That’s a very rare thing to happen. You never got distracted whenever someone is talking.” She said that because she knew how sharp Yegor when he watched people talk despite him being deaf. Sometimes people even forgot that Yegor could not hear anything. She scrutinized his best friend.

You. Your dazzling smile. Your whole existence. You distract me so bad that my brain stops thinking. Shit. Love does make you dumb.

His heart was thumping inside the ribs cage. He couldn’t expect his little crush when the high school began was growing bigger than him. He wanted to take a step back just to calm down his nerves even when he knew so well about the girl in front of him. She currently liked somebody else and told him like she spilled her every secrets to him—her secret that she was afraid of thunder; her secret that she hated her own parents.

“See! There’s something going on your mind!” Without her realizing, she moved closer to Yegor.

I love you. I am sorry. I am too afraid if I confess right now, it would only ruin our friendship.

He was one step closer to say it out loud. His lips almost slipped the confession. “I ... I am dead serious. I don’t have any worries right now.”

“Fine ... Even when I am away in another island, you won’t forget me?”

“No way I can forget you.”

“Even when we fall in love with another person, we can still talk to each other?”

Even right now, you talk to me. “Sure.” He concelaed his bitterness—the jealousy creeped inside. But he nodded. “You talk like you’ll not come back. Your home is still here.”

She made sure Yegor could trust her answer. “Of course I am. I will come here whenever the semester break comes.”

Yegor smiled again. “I am so happy for you from deep in my heart—for your dreams come true.” He said while yearning to tuck her messy blue hair behind her ear.

“Thank you. You are the first I tell about this good news. I am glad you support me and my silly dreams.”

“Your dreams are never silly, Xeva.

She grinned. “See you later. We still have times to spend time together before I have to re-reegistration and fly to the other island. I will also tell Owen and Zahira. Let’s camp before we got separated or go out of town.”

“Alright, just call when you guys gather tonight.” He made a universal phone call sign—thumb and pinkie finger raised while the other fingers folded.

“Pffft, and I will talk alone because you can’t hear me in a voice call.” She laughed then got up from her seat. Even if Yegor was deaf, he still liked to voice call Yegor and talked alone. While on the other side, Yegor was staring at his phone.

The restaurant would be crowded again at 4 p.m. so she didn’t want to bother Yegor’s work. She walked toward her scooter and waved her hands. “Byeee!”

When she was away but he still could her back, he made a sign when no one was around. He pointed his index finger, cross his arm, and pointed toward Xeva. I. Love. You. Of course the girl would not realize he just confessed his honest feelings.

Then, guests started arriving in the restaurant, so he walked back toward the cashier and worked again to note the orders. He tried to distract his mind. He wanted this one-sided-love to subside just like the sea waves.

END