Broken Promise

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2008

The wheather was humid that day. The sky was crystal blue clear without any clouds roaming around the atmosphere. The sun was scorching hot above my head. I looked at my silent fishing rod. It had been an hour since no fish devoured the bait. I waited for a fish to come while watching the little guy beside me.

I never realized how much he grew in a year. The last time I met him, he was tiny and short. Even though we lived under the same roof, we almost never spent time together so I never had a chance to scrutiny my younger brother. My schedule was always earlier than him. 

Moment like this was the only time we could be together. Right now, he was sitting on the bench while reading a book. He wore a yellow shirt, trunks, and white keds. His light brunette hair was father’s resemblance, while his honey eyes were mother’s heritage.

We were sailing on my yacht that day. Only both of us. It was such a rare moment.

Honestly, I forgot the moment I could get closer to my little brother. Was it when I was in junior high school? We used to sit side by side on formal event when family was invited. We were both like display dolls. We smiled to father’s guests. But, recently we only met occasionally during dinner at home.

His existence seemed vague and distant because I was always in hustle between school, library, company, and the underground where father did his additional work. Extra duty that made me retch because of how ruthless the world was.

I relieved this boy would never know that.

The wind crooned softly and blew my little brother’s hair. His cheeks were reddened because of the sunny weather. He forgot to bring his cap, so I took off my blue cap and put it on his head. Then, he dropped his book and looked at me.

“When will you catch a fish? Just say you suck at fishing.”

Sometimes his angelic face was not in harmony with whatever came out from his mouth. Sure thing he was only 8 years old, but he was getting more presumptuous than I thought. I heard a lot about his impudent personality from the maids at home.

“Fishing needs patience. It is relaxing and refreshing our complicated minds." I explained. We needed to bond during this summer break before I went to the ivy league and pursue the double degrees. My life would be more hectic once I step on college.  

He stood up and walked to the yacht railing. “There is no fish here. Look at the fishpond over there. They must gather there. “   

I squinted my eyes while fixing my eyeglasses. Shit. My minus increased. I couldn’t see the faraway fishpond wherever he pointed. “It was quite far.”

My little brother sighed. “We should go somewhere with a car instead. Dad just bought you a new car, right?” Probably he was bored sailing on yacht, but he sounded a little bit sulky and jealous. I didn’t understand why an 8 years old boy wanted to get a car. Without doubt, he would get a car once he got older. 

“So, you don’t like to accompany me fishing?” I stood up beside him on the railing. He was also getting much taller than last year.

He shrugged. “I like it.”

“But?”

“No but. I like being with you.” He said without hesitate and that really touched my heart. Despite our rare spending time together, he still liked being with me. “Then, teach me how to drive,” remarked him. He looked so determined that I was stunned for a while.

What?

What was this 8 years old boy saying out of blue? “We have chaffeurs. You just ask the destination and they will take you. Why would you want to drive a car by yourself? It is tiring."

“Just teach me. Nobody in the house will teach me—not even dad.”

He was right. I was pondering in my thoughts. Dad was the one who taught me drive and it was not really good memories. Perhaps because I was slow while learning how to drive. It was one of my weakness. I didn’t like driving a car even until now. Why would I drive if I had chaffeur to take me anywhere? I better sat calmly in the passenger seat.

Then I considered the worst scenario … What if something happened and he was forced to go somewhere by himself? We couldn’t always trust anyone around us. Someone could betray us without signs. He must be an independent person.

“Okay.” I said.

“Are you sure?!” He was delighted. His honey eyes was glistening in excitement. Then, he asked, “Any terms and condition?” 

Oh God. Why would he think a ToC? “As long as you would drive safe.”

All of sudden, my fishing rod swayed. The bobber went down. I held my fishing rod immediately and reeled the rod carefully, so the fish wouldn’t runaway. I was expecting a big strike but the fish I caught was just a medium sized fish. It was a tilapia fish. I removed the hook from the fish and put it on the bucket. Not bad. The chef at house would cook it for additional lunch menu.

“Let’s go back home. You already get the fish now teach me to drive!” uttered him. This little gremlin was so demanding.

“What? It’s almost mid day.” I looked at the watch on my wrist. It was already 11.30 a.m.

“You promised.”

Other than his impudent personality, I heard a lot about his tantrum habit. He often threw tantrum when he didn’t get what he wanted just like a rich spoiled kid.

Facing a tantrum child was not in my bingo list today. “Sure.”

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I was the one who taught him to drive a car. I drove my brand new Audi R8 to teach him. It was my new car—gift from father after working hard to get into the Harvard with the highest SAT score and exceptional organization achievement at high school.

We went to an empty football field in the village that was close to our lake house. The lake house was indeed located in a hidden small town, far from the capital of West Java. The location was going down to the South. It was far from any big city. Perfect for hiding family secret, also perfect for my family who preferred to stay away from public. 

“How tall are you right now?” I asked him to make sure his feet could reach the three pedals.

“144 centimetres.”

“Alright. Here you go. Let’s change our seat.” We went out so we could change our seat.

I watched him adjusting the seat and wearing the seatbelt. He listened to my explanation once and  understood quickly. He absorbed everything I said effortlessly. He drove my car around the empty field. I was so relieved that nobody was watching us. No suspicious people were seen around this football field. Father always demanded me to protect my brother and I was totally aware of my responsibility. To protect him with my blood and my soul.

He was getting bored after several driving lap. He said that driving was too easy. For your information, he drove a sport car for his first lesson. It was harder than driving a city car.

He already knew how to hit the gas, the clutch, and the brakes. He also understood how to shift the gear. He wasn’t even groggy while shifting the gear. He drove very smoothly. I couldn’t believe he learned that quick. Was he already learning to drive somewhere? My own driving lesson took weeks until I could shift the gear smoothly.

It was already 2 p.m. and past the lunch time. Mother might look for us.

“Enough for today.” I took off my safety belt to change the seat again with him.

“Can I drive home?”

“Not yet.”  

“Please?”

I stopped in the middle of loosing my seatbelt and looked at him increduluously. Why did he plead for doing things I never like? We didn't have to drive by ourselves. It would be extremely risky for him. He was just a little boy. I could be under arrest for letting a literal child driving on the road. “Not today.”

“I’ll drive slowly and carefully. I promise. I want to know how to drive on the road. The feeling must be different. Please?” He demanded again. I could hear his coercing voice. Like I said before—facing a tantrum child was not on my bingo list today.

“No.”

“The road was not too crowded. I can do it. I can drive safely.”

“No, Leo.” Without I realize, my tone was rising an octave.

He glared at me. I glared back. Then, he took off the seatbelt harshly. He opened the door and slammed the door. His slam was quite strong for a little body. He slammed again when getting into the passenger seat. My brand new car … My heart screamed inside when the door was slammed really hard.

He sat calmly on the passenger seat. A dangerous calm. If I said something I was pretty sure he would scream out loud. However, I had to give him an understanding. “You’re too young to drive on the road. It's for your safety. The driving lesson is over today.”

The little gramlin kicked and stomped my dashboard with his keds. “Whatever. You won’t have time to teach me driving again! YOU’LL BE BUSY LIKE DAD!!! YOU WON’T EVEN HAVE TIME TO BE WITH ME AGAIN!!!” He screamed out loud. He was venting and throwing tantrum.

Shit. I couldn’t believe trivial thing like this became a big deal for him. Our quality time turned into disaster. “I still have 7 off days here, I’ll teach you tomorrow alright?”

“Bullshit.”

“Language.” Damn, where did all the ethics and manners lesson go?

“I promise to teach you tomorrow. Deal?” I said softly while driving.

He was silent. He didn’t even look at me. His feet were still on the dashboard. 

“I promise.” I said gently. 

Finally he nodded. His tip of nose and puffy cheeks looked a little bit red.

But, that promise was broken. I  couldn’t fulfill my promise because he was gone the next day. He disappeared without any trace. He was abducted. Someone or some people kidnapped him. This little gremlin was no where to be found. His little body couldn’t be found anywhere at home or at the vast area around the lake house. 

The guilty was stinging. Did I not realize suspicious thing the day before he was missing? Was there someone watching us? It was my fault. I shouldn't have taught him to drive. 

I cried when he disappeared. My tears kept flowing while looking for him around the lake house. I ran around the lake house while screaming his name and that time I really hoped to hear him screaming back. I wanted to see him throwing tantrum—I didn’t care if he wanted to wreck my car's door again.

I wanted to see him whole and intact. I missed his smile, his soft brunette hair, his honey eyes, his mischievous smile. I regreted why I never patted his head or hug his warm tiny body. I wanted my brother to be back. At evening, I roamed around the lake house until the pine forest area. He was lost, no where to be found.

On the next day, I was told to stop searching for him. Father forced me to let the searching team do their duty. I was stuck at the library at home for studying while my hands clutched. Why would father keep me to focus on preparing for college and for becoming the heir of the conglomerate? Why I couldn’t go outside with the searching team to find my brother? Fuck the college. Fuck the conglomerate company. FUCK EVERYTHING. It was not significant anymore. 

That day was my first and last time teaching him how to drive before he learned it by himself at 12 years old. His body was found four days later after he disappeared and was hospitalized for the next three days. My off days were wasted without being able to spend time with him again. I couldn’t fulfill his paltry plead.

The broken promise was imprinted to my memory, the same as the guilt that haunted me year by year. It stucked with me for the rest of my life and apologize would never be enough. 

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FINN